Family Reunion From Hell
by No one specific
Summary: Urcha Von, the only normal child of Evra's children, is 29 with a family of his own, far away from Cirque Du Freak. Some things can't be avoided, however. Amongst them are family reunions. *DISCONTINUED, UP FOR ADOPTION*
1. Introduction

**Family Reunion From Hell  
by No one specific  
Introduction**

**It was** stupid. Urcha Von, a grown man of 29, with a family of his own, afraid of his old family- the 'other Vons', as they were refered to the few times anyone ever referred to them.

He hadn't seen them since he turned 18. Unlike the rest of his family, he took his schooling seriously. He'd run away, leaving a message saying that he'd (secretly) applied for college (he didn't even remember why it had all been a secret.) He'd said that he was going, to forge a new life.

And he left. Never to talk or call or reply to his e-mails that Lilia had relentlessly sent him, telling him where the Cirque Du Freak was.

After a few months at college, Urcha had considered returning. Then he met Lennie Leth ("Who names there child _Lennie Leth_?")(*). They married when he was 19 and she was 21.

After awhile, they had three children. (Current ages: 9-year-old twins Maggie and Shancus, and 5-year-old Dar). They bought a house, and Lennie's brother Jaques moved in. They got two pets, a cat named Dervish, and a dog named Grubbs. ("Not being able to think of decent names must run in the family.")(_ღ_)

And Urcha never ever told anyone about his family. He never told anyone about what his family was, or who they were, or anything. He came up with stupid lies, but that didn't matter.

He never told the 'other Vons' or anyone at Cirque Du Freak that he got married and had kids.

His life was _normal_. Which was absolutley all fine and dandy.

Until _someone_ just **had** to bring him back to his family. And then his entire life was changed. Someone just had to plan a family reunion. For most people, family reunions are stressful. ("Everyone acts cheery and is there because they think everyone else wants to be there. The end result is that no one wants to be there and it's just a group of people torturing themselves for nothing...")(†)

For someone whose family lives with Cirque Du Freak...

* * *

*****Urcha's thoughts on Lennie's maiden name (Lennie Leth).

**_ღ_** Urcha's thoughts on his family's poor ability to name.

**†** Urcha's thoughts on family reunions, probably shared among many.

* * *

**Hello. This is where I, No one specific, get a chance to talk. What am I thinking? I'm thinking that there's not enough love for Urcha Von. I've always kind of felt sorry for him, being the only normal one in a family of freaks. Technically, I guess that made him a freak...*shrugs*.**

**When I finish my other story, _In The Begining,_ then I'll officially get to work on this. I just don't want to get any more side-tracked than I already am... So, I hope you've enjoyed.**

**Remember: Reviews make the world go 'round. Spread. Spread the love- leave a review.**


	2. Return of the Sister

**Family Reunion From Hell  
by No one specific  
Return of the Sister**

**It was **Saturday in mid July. The lawn-crew were working on the front yard. Urcha and his family currently lived in a cool, temperate, _green_ suburban neighborhood. For the past ten years since he'd married Lennie, he'd felt normal.

The doorbell rang. Urcha and his daughter Maggie were in the bathroom washing their dog, Grubbs. Grubbs was a huge golden-retriever/Labrador/poodle/chihuahua mix. He was _always_ dirty. ("His name is _Grubbs! _What do you expect?)(*)

"Can you get it?" Urcha called downstairs.

"Ok!" Lennie called. Urcha heard the door open, and then heard his son, Shancus, yell: "Da-ad! Your hooker's here!"

Maggie looked at Shancus. They both heard Lennie ordering Shancus to his room.

"I'll be right back," Urcha mumbled to Maggie, "Finish rinsing him, kay?"

"M'kay," Maggie said.

Urcha ran down the steps and saw...

Lilia. Wearing a tank-top and mini skirt with sandals and proudly showing her green, scaly skin and yellow green hair. Only now she was 24.

"Hey, Urcha!" Lilia said. She ran and threw her arms around him.

"Um...Urcha?" Lennie asked a bit nervously, "Was this one of your former girlfriends?" ("Me? Date? As if.")(ღ)

"No!" they both said at once. Then Lilia stepped forward and said, "Hello. I'm Lilia. What's your name?" She stuck her hand out to shake with Lennie.

"Uhm...excuse me?" Lennie squeaked. She tentatively took Lilia's hand, then cleared her throat. "I'm Lennie Von, and Urcha's wife. So...does Urcha know you?"

"I'm his sister," Lilia said, "Surely he's told you about me?"

"Actually," Lennie coughed, "The only mention was that you died on a field trip to Antarctica. No offense." ("If you say 'no offense,' it's usually offensive.)(†)

Lilia tried to mask her hurt by saying, "Well, don't worry. He hasn't talked to us, much less told us about his family." ("Way to lay a guilt trip on me.")(¤)

Lennie continued staring at the snake woman.

"Well, nice to see you!" Urcha said at last, "I guess you have things to do, places to go, _freaks to meet._"

"Actually," Lilia said, "Cirque Du Freak is camping out about two hours from here. I'm thinking to surprise Mom and Dad by bringing you...and your family.

"Well, we can't make it," Urcha said.

"Why not?" both women asked.

"We're going across the country..." Urcha improvised. (Lied.)

"Why?" they asked again.

Frantically, Urcha thought of an excuse, before dumbly saying, "To get a lawn mower."

Lilia looked out as the lawn crew finished up. "Why?"

"Yes, Urcha," Lennie said, "Why?"

"Uhm..." Urcha trailed off. ("Oh, that's _real_ smart.")(§)

"So we'll see you there?" Lilia asked Lennie.

"Of course," Lennie smiled, "I've always wondered about the Other Vons that Urcha never talked about." ("With good reason!!!)(^)

* * *

* Urcha's thoughts on the power of suggestion.

ღ Urcha's past with the art of dating.

† The truth of saying 'no offense'.

¤ Urcha's complaints.

§ The truth that Urcha can't make an excuse to save his life.

^ ...as Lennie will find out soon enough!

* * *

**I had fun writing this. I'll try to update more, either tommorow or this weekend. Does anyone besides me think that Lennie's going to be in for the surprise of her life? Next chapter we'll see more of his family (Lennie, Maggie, Shancus, Dar, Grubbs, Dervish, and his brother-in-law Jaques.)**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. There will be more!**

**Remember: Reviews make the world go 'round. Spread. Spread the love- leave a review.**


	3. A Decision is Made

**Family Reunion From Hell  
by No one specific  
A Decision is Made**

**Once Lilia **left, Lennie turned to Urcha and asked, "What's wrong with her skin?"

"It's a really rare skin disorder," Urcha said.

"Does it run in the family?"

"Yes, but you'd have to be born with it," he said.

Lennie was relieved that none of her children would look like that.

"So...I take it your family still_ is _alive," Lennie said.

"Uhm...oops?" Urcha said. ("This isn't the kind of situation where a simple 'oops' will fix things...")(*)

"I thought you said your parents were killed by bees," Lennie pointed out. ("I make crappy excuses and lies.")(ღ)

"Uhm...oops?"

Lennie shook her head and sighed. She tried to hide an exasperated smile, but failed miserably.

"Then I guess we'll go to this family reunion Saturday," Lennie said, "It's in two days?"

"We can't!" Urcha cried, "I couldn't bear to see them! PLEASE don't make me!"

"Well, I want to meet your family," she said, "I've always wanted to meet the people who made you who you are today." ("If you had any idea why I'm 'who I am', I don't think you'd like this.")(†)

"Well, you saw Lilia," he said, "Surely that's enough? They're all the same, really. I'm sure you don't want to meet them and the rest of Cirque Du Freak."

"Cirque Du Freak?" she asked.

"A traveling freak show," he mumbled.

"Really?" Lennie was skeptical. ("I can't blame you, since this is all coming at once.")(¤)

"Yeah," Urcha looked away, "I'm sure you don't want to meet them..."

"Yes! Yes, I do!" Lennie insisted.

"But it's not just my family," he said, "It's over 100 people."

"Then I want to meet them!" Lennie continued insisting, "I want to see who raised you. I want to meet my in-laws!" ("Haven't you seen any movies? In-laws are EVIL! Or they're like Jaques, who's just plain insane.")(§)

"You know that if you rearrange the letters in 'Mother-in-law' it spells Woman Hitler..." Urcha said. ("I'm running out of excuses.")(^)

* * *

* Urcha's thoughts on the problem with saying 'oops'.

ღ Urcha's thoughts on his lies.

† Urcha's thoughts on what Lennie would (might) think.

¤ Lennie is confused as hell.

§ Urcha watches too many movies. (i.e.: _Monster-in-Law, My Big Fat Greek Wedding _etc_._) Also, Jaques isn't the best representative of in-laws.

^ The truth that Urcha's running out of excuses.

* * *

**I'm sorry this chapter isn't as good as the other two, but this chapter is important. (Sort of.) Anyway, I'll update more later, probably. Within the next week, definetly. Next chapter, you'll be able to meet Dar, Shancus, Maggie, and Jaques. Next chapter will be funnier, I swear!**

**Remember: Reviews make the world go 'round. Spread. Spread the love- leave a review.**


	4. Dinner of Doom

**Family Reunion From Hell  
by No one specific  
Dinner of Doom**

**At dinner**, Lennie made an announcement.

"We're going to meet Daddy's family this weekend," she said.

"Weren't they killed by bees?" Maggie asked politely.

"Well, duh," Shancus said, "They fucking came back as zombies!" For a nine-year-old, he was really rude. He had light brown hair like Urcha and blue eyes like Lennie.

"As if," Maggie sniffed. For a nine-year-old, she was polite. She had dark brown hair like Lennie, and brown eyes like Urcha.

Dar was quiet and didn't get a chance to say much between Shancus and Maggie. He had dark brown hair and blue eyes.

"No, sweetie," Lennie said, "Daddy was playing a joke on us."

"Daddy's a Goddamned liar!" Shancus screamed.

"There's a difference," Lennie said. She shot Urcha a look though. ("I think she's trying to tell me something...")(¤)

"Are we going to bring Grubbs and Dervish?" Maggie asked after Lennie explained what had happened.

"No," Lennie said.

"But we have to!" Dar wailed for the first time in the conversation.

"Yeah," Shancus put in, "You're bringing _Jaques_! Why do we bring him and not Dervish and Grubbs?" ("You'd think that Jaques would learn when he wasn't appreciated.")(ღ)

"Well, I'm offended," Jaques sniffed.

Lennie sighed. "We'll take the pets if there's room."

"Don't worry about it," Urcha said, "We're not going."

Lennie rolled her eyes. "Your parents weren't there on the most important days of your life. Our wedding, your graduation-" Lennie had graduated two years before him- "when our _children_ were born. You haven't talked to them for at least 11 years. I will not let you give up your family." ("If you had any idea what you were getting us into, you'd agree with me!")(†)

Urcha sat back, crossed his arms, and stuck his tongue out at Lennie.

"You can be so immature sometimes," Lennie said.

"You can be so stubborn," Urcha said.

Lennie smiled her weird smile and looked at Urcha. He could swear she was seeing something that he didn't want her to see.

"Urcha Von," she said, "You will thank me for this, I promise you." ("If we get out alive, I might. Or you might think that you were wrong to doubt my wisdom.")(§)

* * *

¤ Urcha stating the obvious.

ღ Urcha's thoughts on Jaques living with them.

† Urcha's desperate attempt to save Lennie and the rest of his family.

§ Urcha knows he's right. He's psychic. He knows this will be a disaster.

* * *

**Anyway, here's another chapter. Enjoy!**

**Remember: Reviews make the world go 'round. Spread. Spread the love- leave a review.**


	5. The Road to Insanity

Warning: more foul language

**Family Reunion From Hell  
by No one specific  
The Road to Insanity...**

**Saturday came.**Jaques sat in the back seat with Dark, Grubbs between them. Maggie and Shancus sat in the middle seat with Dervish on Maggie's lap, sleeping.

Lennie came, dragging her husband. Urcha was kicking at screaming, "I won't go! You can't make me! You. Can't. MAKE ME!" ("Is this considered kidnapping or torture?")(¤)

Grubbs whined. Jaques pet him and said, "And Urcha's ashamed to know me..."

When Lennie got Urcha in the car, and started driving, Maggie asked, "Daddy, are you _ashamed_ of us?"

"No," Urcha mumbled. ("You've got it all backwards.")(ღ)

"Are you parents embarrassing?" Shancus asked, "I mean, I can understand that."

Urcha shrugged. "They're a bunch of freaks."

"I wanna see them!" Shancus said.

"You're going to be polite," Lennie said, "Promise?"

"Yah, yah," Shancus waved his mother's concerns away.

Lennie turned to Urcha, "I made some of my family's recipes."

"Mom," Shancus said, suddenly serious. "We _don't_ want to _poison_ them."

"Shancus!" Jaques said.

"Can it, hobo," Shancus snapped at Jaques.

"Shancus!" Maggie said.

Then Dervish woke up.

* * *

"Get it off! Get it off!" Jaques screamed. The cat had attached itself to Jaques's head. Grubbs started growling at Dervish. In return, Dervish clawed Grubbs's face. Grubbs barked at Dervish. Dar started crying.

"Shancus! Grab the cat," Lennie ordered.

"It ain't my fault he's back there!"

"Use proper English." ("Now isn't the time for an English lesson, Lennie.")(†)

"Yeah, yeah. It's still not fucking my fault!"

"You insisted on bringing him!"

"You insisted on bringing Jaques!"

"Don't get me involved!"

"Fuck off, hobo."

"Where does he learn this language?" Urcha asked.

"I don't know."

Urcha looked at his wife, ignoring the scene of chaos behind him. "Lennie, please. It's not too late to turn around. I don't want to to. Please...I beg of you. And did I mention how gorgeous your hair looks?" ("Flattery always works.")(§)

"Nice try, Urcha."

"Dervish is eating Jaque's head!" Dar shrieked. Grubbs started howling.

"Urcha, grab the cat," Lennie took charge.

Urcha turned. He grabbed the cat, only to have it latch onto his hand.

"Oh holy motherfucking son of a goddamn horse-shitting whore screwing its sister in front of Jesus!" Urcha screamed. Shancus's eyes widened.

"Urcha!" Jaques and Lennie shouted at the same time.

* * *

Half an hour later, after the cat was safely in a cat-carrier, they were smoothly driving.

"We need to go back!" Urcha continued trying to beg Lennie.

"Your sister will just come back," Lennie tried to rationalize this torture with Urcha.

"So what? We'll just tell her to leave. It's our house."

After a moment of thought... "There's one way that I can think of."

"Thank you Lennie! You're a genius."

"We'll need to fake our deaths and move to Guam."

"I ain't moving to Guam!" Jaques called.

* * *

¤ Urcha planning how to sue Lennie.

ღ Probably the most serious thought that Urcha's ever had.

† Urcha's thoughts on timing.

§ It does. _

* * *

**Why I took so long:**

**1) End of school year stress.**

**2) I put the notebook in my room. Period. Notebook with the story in it vanished.**

**3) The world pretty much seemed to fold onto itself.**

**Look up the song 'Nie Genug'. It's really good.**

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	6. If You're Not Already There

**Family Reunion From Hell  
by No one specific  
...If You're Not Already There**

**Urcha complained** for half an hour, begging them to take Lennie's offer of faking their deaths and going to Guam. Jaques finally got sick of it and drugged Urcha's drink. Urcha fell fast asleep.

"This is a family reunion, right?" Shancus asked.

"Yeah."

"So is this gonna be like Mom's fucked up family reunions from hell?" Shancus asked.

Lennie had her first wave of doubt. Her family's reunions were usually funerals, which was sad. Other than that, they were times when they shared their exotic delicacies, all of them pretending to be having fun even though they all hate it, only because they think that everyone else likes it.

"I doubt it," Jaques answered uncertainly, "Nothing can be that bad..."

"I don't even know the other Vons' names," Lennie realized.

Silence fell over the car.

* * *

**Sorry it's so short. Next chapter they arrive.**

**Tonight I graduate from Middle School. I'm so excited!**

**Remember: Reviews make the world go 'round. Spread. Spread the love- leave a review.**


	7. Arrival

**Family Reunion From Hell  
by No one specific  
Arrival**

**They**** got there** at noon. No one moved from the car.

Urcha woke up. He saw Lennie's hands frozen on the wheel.

"It's not too late to turn around," Urcha offered.

"What the fuck, Dad?" Shancus exploded. "What about all that crap you tell me about 'being a maaan and facing fears?' And Mom! We went through Hell to get here, we sure as Hell are staying."

Before anything could be done, Shancus opened the door and led Maggie, Dar, Dervish, and Grubbs out. Grubbs proceeded to go take a dump on the nearest tent, which was an immaculate white color, except for a brown and yellow spot in the corner.

Lennie looked at Urcha, took a deep breath and walked out. ("She doesn't know what she's doing. She's gone insane.")(*)

Jaques stepped out of the car and followed Lennie. They saw their children weaving between tents. Dervish and Grubbs had seemingly dissappeared from sight.

"It's not too late," Urcha said as they walked through the tents and trailers. "No one's seen us yet. Guam is still--"

"Urcha!" ("And I Must Scream.")(¤)

* * *

* Because sometimes, you just don't know what's best for you, until it's too late.

¤ A parody of this: /Main/AndIMustScream. Words won't come to Urcha's mouth.

* * *

**Where have I been?**

**Everywhere. Nowhere. Where ever you think I was, because you do not know me, therefore I am just a figment of your imagination. Maybe.**

**I've been busy. That is all I will say on the matter. My apologies. And I love everyone who favorited/reviewed.**

**Remember: Reviews make the world go 'round. Spread. Spread the love- leave a review.**


	8. When faced with a dilemma

**Family Reunion From Hell  
by No one specific  
When faced with a dilemma...**

**Lennie and Jaques** looked up and saw the young snake woman standing there. Urcha didn't dare move up, until Lennie pushed him. ("Why does she have so much control?")(*)

"Hey, Lilia," he mumbled. He peaked up at his younger sister.

"I was about to send Evara to get you," Lilia laughed. She snaked her arm around him, then motioned for his wife and brother-in-law to follow. "Did you bring your children?" ("And leave Shancus alone with a baby-sitter? After what happened last time? No thank you.")(†)

Lilia started talking about everything that Urcha missed. About someone named Morgan, about a new act with a group of triplets who could turn into water, about a wedding, but not about their parents.

"How are Mom and Dad, anyway?" he asked.

"So you _do_ care!" Lilia laughed. She looked at Urcha, and he could've sworn that behind her yellow eyes she looked hurt, and maybe even afraid.

"Yes, well..." Urcha said. ("I hate dealing with feelings.")(ღ)

"Anyway," Lilia laughed. "There's food over here. I know how much you loved Truska's food!"

Urcha looked, and Lennie and Jaques sat down. There were some other people there, most of whom Urcha had never seen before.

"This is my brother," she said. "I'm going to get our parents, 'cuz I want to surprise them!"

Urcha moaned, not feeling well enough to eat the food snacks was placed before him. Lennie politely began to eat. ("She doesn't even know what it is!")(§)

Soon, Maggie and Shancus ran over with a blond, green eyed boy, all three of them grinning madly.

"Mommy, Daddy," Maggie smiled. "Can we go to the car?"

"It's unlocked," Lennie said. ("ARE YOU INSANE!?)(^)

"Who's your friend?" Urcha asked suspiciously.

"I'm Morgan March," he said nicely.

Urcha narrowed his eyes. "You're not Alice and Vancha's son, are you?"

"Do I know you?" he asked, terrified.

"I knew them."

"Well, yeah, I am," he said. "How do you know them?"

"I used to live here. I left before you were born," Urcha said.

Morgan laughed. "You're crazy! Why would you want to leave here?"

"No reason," Urcha sighed, not feeling up to explaining to an 11 year old boy who clearly loved living here. ("If only he knew...")(¤)

"So can we go to the car?" Maggie asked.

"Yes, of course," Lennie smiled.

As soon as the children ran off, Lennie turned to look at Urcha. "It's not so bad now, is it?"

"You haven't met my parents," Urcha said.

"What are their names?"

"Merla and Evra," Urcha said.

Inside, Lennie was relieved. She now wouldn't feel like the idiot daughter-in-law.

* * *

* Because she's your wife, Urcha.

† Three years ago, Urcha and Lennie went out to celebrate their anniversary. They left their three children with the nice teenage girl who lived next door and charged a ridiculously high amount for her fees. When Urcha and Lennie returned home, Shancus had drugged the baby-sitter, as well as Dar, and he and Maggie, who was then not the nice little girl that she is these days, were watching _Saw._ The babysitter ran away, and it was rumored that she and her family now lived somewhere in the East.

ღ Jaques has a lot of them.

§ Because of course Lilia would want to poison the brother who she spent over three years trying to find...

^ You don't leave the car unlocked in a setting that you don't know. You just don't.

¤ Morgan is a normal, innocent child living in Cirque Du **Freak.** Urcha was a normal child in a not-so-normal family living at Cirque Du Freak. There's a difference.

* * *

**Two updates in one day after six months? Oh, my...**

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	9. Apology

**Apology**

I would like to apologize to anyone who's been following this fic and who's been reviewing. It was a difficult choice, but as you've probably guessed by my lack of updates, I'm discontinuing this story. Thank you to anyone who reads/reviews this story, but I won't be able to update anymore.

I would love to have been able to see it finished, but unfortunately, it's been too long since I wrote it, and my writing style has changed so much that I don't think that I can finish it. I don't have any idea about how to finish it.

I feel the need to apologize for everyone who was nice enough to review.

**If you'd be interested in adopting this story/making it your own/reposting it/finishing it, tell me, and it's yours.**


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